In this honest report, J.A. tells us about her challenging life with Borderline and how microdosing has drastically changed things for her.
I was very sad and troubled for a long time. I’m currently 46 years old (December 2018) and I was 9 when I tried to kill myself for the first time. I was so depressed even at that young age. Later I was a wild teen. Always seeking to fit in and never quite managing it and my rage at the world effectively kept everyone away completing this cycle of needing to fit in and ensuring that I didn’t. After the age of 11 I saw many therapists of different modalities including but not limited to:
doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, Gestalt therapy (pretend this pillow is your father and scream at it!), hypnotherapy, homeopathy, naturopathy, myotherapy, every damned type of therapy. A raw vegan diet followed by a high protein diet, exercise, no exercise, no alcohol (for six long years!), followed by loads of alcohol (Partaaaaaaaaaay!), acupuncture, EFT, NLP, Byron Katie work, meditation, exercise, dance therapy, art therapy and more. Antidepressants, $450 worth of supplements per month, no medication or supplements, a green smoothie diet (literally nothing but green smoothies for months!) and more.
All of this and in early 2017 I still found myself outside, in the middle of a storm, at 2am with my suicide kit, in the middle of a paddock crying because I couldn’t bring myself to use it. I knew I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to be experiencing the suffering that I was anymore either and no longer believed that I could be fixed. The loss of hope that I would be fixed was one of the emotionally worst experiences I endured. While I believed that I was a burden to all around me and that it would be a huge relief for everyone I knew if I was dead, I couldn’t believe that was true for my children and so I stayed alive, helpless, hopeless, broken, resentful and depressed.
Shortly after this incident I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and my life changed for the better. I went home and read all about it and felt like I’d found my tribe. Hope returned! The knowledge helped with the symptoms somewhat as I was able to see when I was having a ‘borderline moment’ and understand why my reactions to things were so radically big in comparison to everyone else’s around me. It didn’t help to reduce the enormous emotions that I still felt, but at least I understood why I was having them.
Early in 2018 I came across James Fadiman being interviewed on a podcast. He talked a lot about an online study he was doing with Sophia Korb and I hunted that down and listened to it. Three times. In a single day! Then I got a good friend of mine to take me mushroom hunting and teach me how to find the fabulous Magic Mushrooms. How wonderful that I found this information just as the season was coming to a close in my area! We found enough mushrooms to get me through the next 7-8 months, dried them in a dehydrator, ground them to a fine powder, packaged them carefully and then I began.
I am very sensitive to everything and I wasn’t 100% sure my mushrooms would last so I started on 0.1g which was half of the recommended dose recommended in the podcast. I’d never had mushrooms ever and my brain loved them. Two hours after taking my first microdose I was euphoric, it felt like the back of my brain was being massaged ( much nicer than it sounds) and I was joyfully telling my friend about her gorgeous lemon coloured halo! I was a little worried about this because you’re not supposed to feel anything on a microdose but I decided to halve the dose again and at 0.05g I still felt a few things but not so much. The third dose I felt nothing and it was exactly as it should be. I stuck to that dose (0.05g) for the next few months doing one day on and two days off.
Very quickly I noticed results and so did those around me. We noted:
” Improved impulse control (very big for anyone with BPD)
” Better mood control
” More contentment
” Much reduced levels of drinking alcohol
” Reduced stress
” Looking forward to life
” Making life plans
” Painting up a storm
” Increased ability to focus
” Less reactionary
” Hardly swearing at all – I didn’t notice this, friends did.
” Revolving obsessive thoughts eliminated during the day, lessened at night
” Increased gratitude
” Improved boundaries and ability to stand my ground in a respectful manner
” Increased ability to give myself credit where credit is due
” Increased creativity
” I found it much easier to relax
” More laughter
And other things that are more subtle. People around me have noticed a huge difference in my behaviour and joy of life.
Twice in the last ten months or so I have forgotten to take them and that sucks when it happens. For the first month or so of not microdosing I’m ok and then it all comes back and it’s like being hit by a truck. The depression descends like a heavy blanket that’s glued to me somehow, the feelings of futility rise again and my creativity vanishes. I become insular and insecure and negative and I have no idea how I survived feeling that way for decades because when it returns I want to die within days. My energy levels plummet and my ability to focus all but evaporates. It’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ll be microdosing mushrooms until I die and that’s just fine.
Over time I have upped my dose and I’m now on the 0.1g that is recommended. I have taken the 0.2g a few times but it ends up with me mildly tripping and I end up in bed for a few hours as my mind works on whatever it needs to work on. So the 0.1g is perfect for me. Keep in mind that my mushrooms are wild picked and they’re supposed to be about half as potent as cultivated mushrooms so this is a very weak dose. However, like I said I am hugely sensitive to almost everything and this does me just fine.
I microdose one day on and two days off still but I do an 8 week cycle in which I microdose for 6 weeks and then take two weeks off. This prevents my body from becoming tolerant and was a recommendation from James Fadiman who has been a very kind and welcome support.
Both my mental health doctor and my psychologist are so in awe and impressed by the long lasting changes in me that they have both started in depth reading up on mushrooms and other psychedelics and their possible uses in therapy. It’s pretty much consuming all of my doctors spare time. He’s asked me to do one of my mushroom paintings for him. Hahaha. So very cool. He hasn’t seen a patient turn around like I did ever.
I’m quite sure that without the microdosing I’d not be here anymore. It was only a matter of time before I mustered the courage to use my suicide kit. Mushrooms are indeed magic for me. My whole family were against me doing this. Even my one brother who has done all the party drugs many times was vehemently opposed to my microdosing and my mother was beside herself with worry but they’re now very supportive as the results speak for themselves.
Two of my close friends have followed me and are now microdosing as well. They’re feeling the benefits and they’re all off their meds and doing super well!
I hope that mushrooms get made legal here in Australia, and everywhere else very soon. In my mind it’s a crime that they are illegal. Such a crime. But such a beautiful thing that they exist!
Thank you for reading.
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